In a recent episode Dwight mentioned the 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5, so I thought I would expand on that idea. Some are actual quotes, and some I made up!
*40 Schrute Boy Rules*
1. Keep your enemies close and your weapons closer.
2. Yellow is the color of cowardice; mustard is the color of superiority and dominance.
3. Always have a backup to your backup’s backup weapon.
4. Fierce loyalty isn’t a sign of weakness but possible domination; `E tu Brute?
5. Be able to live on the diet of an arctic wolf: caribou, musk oxen, lemmings and hares.
6. Always have an attack plan, a retreat plan, and an alternate attack plan.
7. Vanquish fear.
8. If you fall in the combine you make good compost and an acceptable sacrifice to the harvest moon.
9. Know 5 ways to cook canary.
10. We are warriors, descended from Vikings and possibly cannibals, and always will act as such.
11. Beets are one of Americas most beloved staple, provide for them and they will provide for you.
12. Animals that are suffering are better off dead.
13. Never let people walk behind you, 70% of attacks come from the rear.
14. The safest place in a car is in the back and behind the driver, who will almost always protect him or herself first.
15. Wear or show all signs of physical domination, such as purple Karate belts or the color mustard.
16. She’s not off limits ‘till she says, “I do.”
17. Never turn your back on bears, men you have wronged or the dominant turkey during mating season.
18. Continue the research of beet juice as an alternate source of fuel.
19. Find a woman with acceptably ample hip width for proper birthing of abnormally large Schrute heads.
20. Always be suspicious of everyone, everywhere, all the time.
21. Bears can climb faster than they can run.
22. Robots and humans can never coexist.
23. The eyes are the groin of the face.
24. Bats are dangerous because of their possible relation to or alternate form of vampires, and they may carry rabies.
25. Know the cycle of the moon and the women around you.
26. Keep up relations with former baby-sitter as they may make for good dates.
27. Try to become friends with a hobbit.
28. Bear attacks can come when you least expect them, be prepared.
29. Know all edible items in the forest from non-edible items.
30. A potato flying at 60 pounds per square inch can be a dangerous weapon.
31. Always be able to run faster than bears, most men, and turkeys; at least 13 mph.
32. Never let your guard down, unless you absolutely have to, even then only let it halfway down.
33. Bears eat beets.
34. Always be the dominant male, or the assistant to the dominant male.
35. A beet a day keeps constipation at bay.
36. When you smell blood, attack, unless you’re the assistant deputy sheriff on duty, then assist.
37. Know how to clean and operate 10 major weapons from each century.
38. Be able to identify and perform all local forest animals mating and attacking calls.
39. Farms also make good B&B’s and reception halls.
40. Always respect your elders, especially the ones that know witchcraft and wizardry.
1 comment:
If you win I will totally buy one of these t-shirts. When do you find out?
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